Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
