i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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