You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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