I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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