I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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