One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
