Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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