john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
