woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
