Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
