Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
