Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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