I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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