I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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