Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
