I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
