I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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