OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
