Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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