my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
