I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
