I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
