honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everyone says I win the strip club
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
