i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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