My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
