i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
