This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
