Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
