she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
