I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
