Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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