So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
