ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
