he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
