I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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