I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
