god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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