3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
