What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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