M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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