he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
