Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
