Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil