My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
