you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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