This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
