dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
