When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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