Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
