Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
