Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
