Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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