oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
