drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I want to be your penis for a week.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Is Oprah even human
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
