Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
